My Pitch

Good day to you all and welcome to my first real post.

Thank you for the messages of welcome and good luck, it was very much appreciated and immediately made me feel part of this fine community. However, to all of you that didn’t wish me well, I ask you all in turn, why do you hate me already? I am a very fragile person and prone to spilling out my insecurities and personality disorders directly onto the page. If you don’t automatically love me and my writing I am liable to write great screeds of self loathing, angst ridden poerty that isn’t funny at all and then it’s only you, lovely reader, that will suffer. And besides, there’s plenty of time for building up an informed and deep seated resentment of me once you know me a little better!

Only kidding, I promise no poetry. Not even a limerick. I do not promise no literary breakdowns however, that will probably happen at some point.

Anyhoo, in Deb’s annoucement post she mentions a pitch letter I sent to her to try and secure the advertised position of ‘Humorous Blogger’. I had remembered the University application letter of a Scottish person in regards to his entrance consideration and thought it the ideal format for an application. Whereas his was basically a stream of conciousness of the surreal made-up things he had done (precision tennis raquet throwing, speed tromboning and the like), all mine are based in fact and have a personal, sketchy origin.

I hope it goes someway to introducing me and I guess, in a strange way, it’s my pitch to you as well.

Hello Deborah,

I am replying to your search for a humorous blogger for the originally fun intended ‘Freelance Writing Jobs’ blog. As you stated in your ad, I would like to help you bring the funny back.

I believe I fit your requirements for a number of reasons. I have written for a number of blogs (Londonist, The Offside, AmChron etc.) and been generally well received as a funny writer but the remit has always been a little narrow and unrepresentative of my true passions; Comedy and Writing.

I would love to write about the strange foibles of writers and their routines (i.e. WH Auden was effectively drugged up his entire writing life!), odd writing tips (i.e. slip the key under the door after you’ve locked yourself in to your writing space, hope someone finds you), quirky popular genres (Star Trek Erotic Fan Fiction focussing on Kirk and Spock’s romance) etc. etc. ad infinitum.

At this point, I presume, you may like some more information about me. Well, I am British (Welsh actually), lofty, less than dynamic and I am often seen staring at ornate houses or making strong Gin Martinis and Rum Sours. My past is not chequered but I have failed as a soccer player, a paper boy, a charity worker and a wine waiter. All still haunt me.

I am trying to write books, situation comedies, stand-up routines, articles, blogs, scriptures, missives and sometimes humorous emails. I manage time relatively efficiently and I can tread water but distance swimming is a problem due to poor coaching as a boy. I have been able to ride a bike for many years now, a skill that gives me a sense of tremendous well-being but I remain fearful of its awesome power.

I curse openly, freely, sometimes loudly, but always heartily and with the best intentions, much like a pirate I’d imagine. Effing and jeffing, as it is sometimes known here, is recognised as a skill, right or wrong; and I am seen as more of a man by some and as a slob and illiterate by others. The latter are correct but both, in all senses, fascinate me.
At times I have displayed astounding catching skills and cat-like reactions, at other times clumsiness beyond conventional physical understanding. I am able to play no musical instruments but can recognise 95% of them by sight alone. I am an efficient climber of trees. I like to cook and regularly ignore cooking times and chopping
instructions. I would be considered a maverick in the rigid and conforming hospitality student circles. I do not have criminal record, nor do I want one, thank you.

I like to think of myself of a protector of the people but would be considered a coward and a blaggard by those same people if I ever stated my view. I can twirl a staff like a Kung Fu expert but however impressive it looks I have painfully found out it is not an essential life skill.

Ants astound me as they are organised enough to have possess armies (which is as unsettling as it is impressive). Armadillos strike me as nice guys, bears as misunderstood and jelly fish as just downright
irresponsible. Dogs and children trust me, cats respect me and monkeys are strangely calm around me. I believe they sense my acceptance of our shared ancestry.

Constant exposure to the radiation of the Sun has not facilitated any superpowers (except the ability to find the perfect name for things, I am currently sitting on Lenny the leather chair) but may have contributed to my loftiness. I can hit many objects with sticks and bats to an advanced level. I can throw. I like shopping.

I balance, I duck and weave, I dodge, I frolic, I gambol, I skip, I dance the funky chicken (badly) and pay my bills on time. Long phone calls make my ear go uncomfortably hot.

I have a fair idea where Elvis is.

I hope this gives you a view of my mark as a writer.

Kind Regards,

Simon J. James

Freelance Friday Quote

This is one of those “it’s funny ’cause it’s true” things:

“The freelance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.”  -Robert Benchley

Now that I think about it, maybe that’s not funny at all…

Write or Die Application

OK, so the video itself isn’t acutally funny, but it does introduce you to a pretty interesting application for writers. The idea is that it encourages you to keep writing by offering varying levels of negative consequences if you don’t. The kamikazee setting is pretty intense!

If any of you decide to use the application, I definitely want to hear what you think. Unless you just have that peanut butter and jelly song stuck in your head. In that case, you are kindly asked to keep it to yourself.

An Intriguing Lead – Drug Kingpin Seeks Ghost Writer

Hello all, will introduce myself fully very soon but Deb sent me this over and I had to share it before it gets pulled by Craigslist. Happy Wednesday to you all.

Ex N. Idaho Drug Kingpin Needs Writer (Financial District)

Writer Wanted For Ex North Idaho Drug Kingpin: Looking for someone to write life story, unique story, unique Individual. Story consists of dealings with Colombians,Cubans, Mexican Federallies, 16 years in prison hanging out with mafia members from the Phildelphia Scarfo gang, Charlie Iannache, Anthony Pungitore, Gene Gotti-brother of John Gotti of the New York Mafia, being successful jail house lawyer. Story begins with the consequences for a boy with a gifted IQ who deals with uniagnosed ADHD and the path he takes in life through taking over the underbelly of the drug world,prison,self inflicted extrodinary rehabilitation efforts to his succesfull entrance back into society. This isnt some run of the mill drug dealer story! I SHOULD BE DEAD A HUNDRED TIMES OVER. GOD HAD HIS HAND ON MY SHOULDER TO GET THROUGH IT. ps: All Statue of Limitations are finished and all prison time completed. The story just needs to be told by a gifted writer. TO SEE 6 PAGE SYNOPSIS GO TO: http://bobbyconvict.blogspot.com If interested, please submit writing proposal/compensation plans. I would prefer to give the writer a portion of proceeds, but would pay the right writer to do the story. Follow up to the book would be self help videos/books for children-parents-educators-inmates to not go down the path I took, or to change an inmates life through education. please email me at: write4me87@yahoo.com

*tap, tap* Is this thing on?

Oh my gosh, you guys. I had the most self-congratulatory dream where I beat out something like 500 people to get a high-profile blogging gig on—get this—Freelance Writing Jobs. Like that would ever really happ…Wait just a cotton-pickin’ second! I am writing at FWJ. I’m on Deb-freaking-Ng’s team. There’s Jodee and Tereese, and…uh-oh, James.*

Nah, really. I’m pretty stoked to be here. I’m more than a little nervous, though, after all the hype around getting hired. Everyone’s been talking about how I’m so hilarious and all, and I’m just sitting here with a towel in one hand thanking the gods that you can’t see flop sweat through your monitor.

I’m all worried that now that you folks have been told that I’m Tropic Thunder funny, and I might only be able to give you Good Morning, Vietnam funny. Don’t get me wrong, GM,V was still fun and entertaining; but if you went into it just expecting Robin Williams to do funny voices, then you might have been a little bummed out by the sad Vietnamese people and the scared GIs.

Now that I think about it, it’s an awful lot of pressure you people are putting on me already. I mean, I just got here and you all are expecting giggles and snorts right off the bat, aren’t you? My hope is that you at least get a titter or, at best, a chuckle today; and we’ll let the thigh-slapping guffaws happen naturally as time goes by.**

My goal for this blog is super simple. I want it to be a place where writers can go for a distraction that is still writing-related. We all know how much of our work time gets eaten up while puttering around on the Internet, so I’m planning to use diversionary tactics that slide in just below the guilt threshold. Sometimes I’ll link you to fun things that you just HAVE to see (it’s writing-related, after all) and other times I’ll most likely rant about my Crazy Client in Arkansas.* * *

I actually have quite a few ideas in mind, and some of them are fairly interactive, so I hope there are freelance writers out there who want to get involved. If you have any ideas or suggestions, feel free to send them to me at lornadoone (at) berrybrewer (dot) com. Funny links, article ideas, whatever you can think of that you want to share…send it my way, and maybe you’ll see it featured here.

So, thanks so much to the FWJ team for inviting me into the fold. I’m excited to get started. I do want to warn you that I’ll be out of town for the first week of July with very little Internet access, so if I don’t respond to your comments right away, it’s not because I’m all full of myself now that I’ve got this prestigious blogging gig. It’s because my in-laws live in the Tooleyberries.

Also, now that I’ve set your expectations for me at a ridiculously low level, I’d like to welcome to Simon, who will be adding his own brand of humor to the blog. I’m glad to have the company, and I don’t mind telling you all that I hear he’s Tropic Thunder funny.

* Guess it’s not really a dream, after all.

** Who am I kidding? With this kind of pressure, I’m going to call it a win if your facial expression changes at all while you’re reading this.

***OK, see, I’m lying already. I don’t have a Crazy Client in Arkansas. I do, however, have a Crazy Client; and I feel like less of a scumball if I pretend he lives somewhere else while I talk about him. ‘Cause, you know, if he ever comes across this blog, he totally won’t be able to figure out that I’m talking about him.   “Hey, I made her do 57 revisions and expected her to read my mind…oh, wait, I don’t live in in Arkansas.  Whew!”

Join the New Freelance Writing Jobs Social Network

Want to socialize with others from the Freelance Writing Jobs community? Join the brand new Freelance Writing Jobs social network on Ning. The benefits abound:

• Share tips and ideas with other members of the FWJ community
• Post your own (non spammy) blog post
• Discuss issues in the forum
• Share images, videos, podcasts and more
• Receive alerts to what this blog network is up to, as well as what the other members of the FWJ community are doing
• Network with other like-minded people

FWJ also has a Twitter presence. You can follow me @debng or to receive updates everytime there’s a new post at the Freelance Writing jobs blog network, follow @freelancewj.

Have a great day!

The Difference Between an Internship and Unpaid Labor

Discussing interns and internships are what I consider an “annual” topic. Every year at about this time we talk about interns, or rather, the folks who like to present a job as an internship in order to get away with hiring free labor.  So let’s talk about what internships are, why they are necessary and why they are not free labor.

What is an internship?

An internship is a job one takes, usually working for a business, corporation or the government, in order to gain experience, build up a reputation and learn from the best. The focus is on the job training, rather than monetary compensation. Most interns are in college and work in this capacity in hopes of having a very good job lined up upon graduation. Read more

Kick Ass Copywriting in 10 Easy Steps

I’m not just a fan of Susan Gunelius because she’s a terrific writer or that she replaced me when I gave up my gig with About.com Weblogs. I’m a fan of Susan because she knows her stuff and is generous when it comes to dispensing advice. I have a confession to make, however. I’ve been remiss in reviewing her awesome book Kick-ass Copywriting in 10 Easy Steps: Build the Buzz and Sell the Sizzle. It’s not that I didn’t want to review this book, only that I have stacks of books to review, and so little time to do so. Don’t do as I do, though. If there’s one book to buy for your writing resource arsenal this year, Kick-Ass Copywriting is it. Go ahead, order. I’ll wait. I even provided the link to save time.

Kick-Ass Copywriting had me at “hello”. The thoughtful foreward is written by none other than the CopyBlogger himself, Brian Clark. The rest of the book provides practical advice in a format that is easy to follow and not intimidating in the least.

Just a quick browse of the chapters is intriguing:

1. Don’t Be Intimidated by Copywriting – Be Insipired!
2. Get Organized with the Copywriting Outline
3. Exploit Your Product’s Benefits
4. Exploit Your Competition’s Weaknesses
5. Know Your Audience
6. Communicate W.I.I.F.M (What’s In It For Me?)
7. Focus on the “You” not “Me”

And it goes on for 11 more chapters all offering the reader inspiration and an urge to go out and look into the copywriting thing. Susan’s book is probably the best book I’ve read on this topic thus far. She writes for you and me – and explains what we need to know in a pleasant, easy to read manner. Susan doesn’t talk down to us in the least, however. It’s like she’s giving a lesson over a cup of coffee.

Here’s the thing…at FWJ one of the questions that is asked the most often is, “how do I get out of this low paying rut?”  Susan has your answer right here. There’s writing beyond web content. If you want to be paid handsomely for your efforts, you have to put in the time. Your writing has to dazzle. Kick-Ass Copywriting gives you the tools and motivation you need to succeed.

Now, Susan can’t hold your hand but her book gives insight into a form of writing most web writers don’t even think about. Read the book, then go out and do us proud.

What Will I Do in My Outhouse After My Newspaper’s Gone?

Ever wonder about life without newspapers?

Craigslist Ad of the Day – The “Deb Has No Words” Ad

Honestly. There are no words…

Reply to:
Date: 2009-01-11, 4:34PM EST

Hello. My name is Richard. I’m a born and raised New Yorker, who is in the middle of writing a play, which (knock on wood) should be up in June.
The story entails a woman in a Real Estate Office who feels as if she’s been sexually harassed by one of her “superiors” (a male coworker).
The back end of her character is she is a repeated victim of sexual, physical, and psychological abuse as a child. This, in turn, drives her to have many unresolved issues, with men of power — in or out of the workplace.

My wish is to have the opportunity to interview women who find themselves in the adult-film, nude modeling, or prostitution business. Read more

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